I'll tell you. Being opinionated, selfish, priggish, childish. Wanting to be safe instead of putting myself out there. Judgement, coercion, theft, all the things I'm about to condemn others of, I have done myself. Like Machiavelli once said "I'd rather show others the way to hell, in order to steer them clear of it."
I'm no saint, definitely a sinner. You have no clue. Life does that to people, and in the midst of the fighting, you realise that all you want is to be somewhere where your sins are forgiven. Where the judgements you've passed on others will be forgiven. They'll never be forgotten though, an elephant never forgets.
Like I said, I'm just a girl in the world. That's all that you'll let me be. Nothing more. Stand straight, make money, go to school, get good grades, get married, have kids. Join the machine! Lend your energy to its roar! You and the machine are one. Love the machine when it doesn't love you. Sacrifice all for the machine, even though you'd rather die.
You'd think I'd live for the applause. I do. Each clap is one clap closer to freedom. Bend but never break, trip but never stumble. Be cleaner than clean, smarter than smart. No sin, no pride. Be perfect.
I've never lived in Africa. I just went there on vacation. But every day of my life was like an homage to Home. Never mind that California was the only home I ever knew. I never felt "at home" just boxed in by a room.
A room with posters on the wall. Plastered really. Boy bands, even the ones no one ever heard of. CDs by the dozens. Music and fashion were my thing.
My room was like magic. I'd mess it up every night and when I got home from school, it was magically clean! My nannies were always spot on that. My clothes always folded just so, like a history of my fashion trends.
My life cost more than I knew. Everything I wanted I got. It wasn't the best or the most fancy, but I made it work. My favourite clothing store growing up was Anchor Blue. It made me, shaped me and moulded me into the fashionista I am. It was from the former Miller's Outpost that I learned how to dress a maniquin I used to go in and just buy what was on it and wear it to school the next day, that there are always more than what you think there are I was well known for insisting that they take clothes off the maniquin if they didn't have a small on the rack. And buying that week's new hauls to play dress up all weekend. At the time it was all I knew really. I think looking back, the clothes were me. I claimed the store as my safe zone, and I'd go there in times of stress.
That's why I like fashion. You can be different every season. I've been almost everything, except for the things I want to really be every day.
I want to be kind, and I want to be self-less. I want to give whatever time I have left to one cause. You think the clothes and the publicity would mean anything to me, I'll never be the perfect I want to be. I've been that person and back and in the end, it was worth it. I took a stand and I did something drastic and reckless.
One day, you'll hear about it. My day for judgement will come too. But it doesn't matter. You can never erase that moment from my eye. No one can. When the time comes, I won't pull a Tyra, I'll just speak my truth. I'll put on my #bitchface and say what I have to. By then, I hope I'll have somewhere safe.
I know I'm just trading one master for another. The illusion of freedom isn't lost upon me at all. Beeping and buzzing away are thoughts that I'm painting a huge target on my forehead.
Go ahead, pull the trigger. I want you to. The blood and guts it'll spill will make your toes curl. But you'll eat it all up.
You want to hear my story?
#wheresaleigh #eröstribë
No comments:
Post a Comment