If the Food Doesn't Get You...Nerves Will,

Choking down a bowl of Top Ramen and tea.  Eating has always been an issue for me.  It started when I was young.  Forced to stay at the table until my plate was empty, force fed til I puked and I was a picky eater to begin with.

Thinking about the past makes me wonder Which moment in life messed me up this bad?  Was it my cousin shoving my dirty underwear in my mouth when I was in elementary school? Maybe one of the times I was kicked? (Or "forcefully nudged" I believe was the excuse.) Maybe it was the years of disillusionment because I was 'black' but acted 'white?' Whatever it was, I'm sure the last straw was being dragged cross country against my will, and left with my African family for 2 months as they shamed my very existence because I may or may not be gay.

The noodles are disgusting, even after the bowl I just smoked.  Eating because I'm nervous about tomorrow.  My first therapy session.  Maybe I'm not nervous, maybe I'm excited and I'm misinterpreting it as nervous.  The same gripping feeling in my upper chest that wraps around my back, the same tingling sensation that feels like liquid glitter coursing through my veins.  My heartbeat is suddenly in my ears and my throat, ratting my body and causing my world to wobble slightly like bad TV.  Fight or flight responses engaged.  Usually I run, run away from the yelling, the hitting, the shaming, but this time I'm going to fight. Me and what army? Me and what TRIBë? Whoever they are, wherever they are, I believe I have people who will help me.  I have faith in this Universe.  My life has been strange, but its been beautiful too and it still is.

I'll be so glad to have the feeling the feeling that I am going to die gone.  Ever since that summer it's haunted me, like many other things.

I guess I am excited, not nervous.  Excited to feel hopeful again, to start to see a future for myself.  Most of my life I couldn't decide what to do with myself because I never really saw a future for myself beyond what other people told me to do.  I was more fickle than fashion trends (I'm saying was in the hopes that it changes and soon).  I'm really excited to have my bones stop creaking and snapping.  They've done it my entire life (except the year when I ran track)

Most of all, I'm excited because I have the chance to be someone I'm happy with.  I'm not really expecting anything more than to change eventually.