Tickling the Amygdala

Sometimes I feel disconnected to my own life.  Like I hover over the days that slip away, in them but not of them.  Things used to make sense and now life is a blur.  No one teaches me anything and yet it's there, expanding.

Archetype.  I'm one of those I guess.  The first and for twenty-something years, the only.  First one born in America, first one to only speak English.  I laugh, suddenly it makes sense.  It? Yes, isn't that the you used then? "The 'It' Girl." What is it though? An awakening of sorts? Vision? You never said, or maybe you did.

I guess I had forgotten.  Childhood.  Not guess, I did forget.  I thought that was normal.  I remember some things, but before a certain house it's all snippets.  I remember tea parties, I remember hills.  Most of all, I remember a school with a dome, and under the dome was art.

Funny, life makes sense. "Whatever it is you're looking for, I wish you'd hurry up and find it!" Said with exasperation at my seemingly untameable mind.  Smart? I'd assume so, they always told me I was, but I always thought they were lies.  I assumed everyone was supposed to be that way, that genius is something that could be shared.  I'm not sure where the idea came from, but its there.  It makes sense, special schools and classes, tutors and lessons.  Endless books things.  I found my old art supplies from when I was a kid.  Among them, a drawing compass.  I remember being obsessed with circles.  I would draw so many of them that the wobbly cheap compass would break.  So at age 8 or 9 my mom bought me a professional one.

"You've been looking for meaning

Did you like what you found?

Forgive me, I've been lonely

But it's not like I don't know my way

But I don't know my way..."

From where I'm sitting, my life seems almost pre-planned.  Like I should've known better, seen better.  You did didn't you?  I wonder how.  Lost as lost could be then.  Out of the desert and into the oasis of life.

"You see I would've killed Romeo and saved Juliet,

But I don't write stories that time won't forget.

Won't you pass me the kerosene, lets burn to the ground."

Balance.  Funny I thought metronome and you thought cheques and balance.  I can't fault you for it either. Its the one that's most open to interpretation after all.  Balance its always the B that gives it away.  Why?  Because.

Linda Evangelista, hummingbirds and trees.  Trees. Funny how Narcissus and Goldmund started with a tree, my life revolves around one anyways.

"I don't know where to go from here

Give me a new page

There are some things that never change"

Yet there are things that do.  

"NISWD"